S O N G S A B O U T P H O N E S

BUGABOO.

Not just about phone calls, but telecommunications play a maje part in this drop. Not just telephones, but like pagers too! I WANNA PUT YOUR NUMBER ON THE CALL BLOCK!



AREA CODES

Ludacris is old school. He be calling bitches up on landlines. Like in that BT advert with that annoying prick out of my family. Me, I know ho’s on most of the major cellular networks. The slaggiest phone provider? Orange. No question.



IN THE V.I.P.

Though the narrative of this track, the story arch if you will, is about accessing the V.I.P. section of a shit nightclub in the Watford region, the real joy these fat 40 year old men have once in said V.I.P. is “flashing up their phones”.



DAILED

It’s no Put A Donk On It, but this track BANGS. One thing I’m not happy about is that the fat one doesn’t get a solo till 3 minutes. Lardy chops should have been second hitter, third at worse. Think because they 200 million hits on youtube having a fat ginger MC’s an embarrassment? DON’T LET THE MONEY AND THE FAME AND THE SUCCESS AND THE LADIES AND THE CARS AND THE YACHTS AND THE HOUSES IN THE HILLS DIVIDE YOU BROTHERS!



HANGING ON THE TELEPHONE

Yeah it’s a fucking obvious choice. Some entry level shit. But it’s a sick track and Debbie Harry is so hot that it actually makes me angry. Like kick Danny Stagg in the head angry. I could have gone for Call Me, mainly because the video features Debbie Harry in her prime, in a swimming costume jumping in the sea. However professionally and scientifically speaking the hottest she’s ever looked, and possibly the hottest any human being EVER has ever looked is in the video to Heart Of Glass. I would have been 3 years old when that was released, but I’m pretty sure if I’d seen it my tiny 3 year old balls would have tingled. And here’s a bonus pic because I’m nice like that.

U N D E R R A T E D T H I N G S

ONION RINGS

If you’re not a child or don’t star in Happy Days, it’s probably been a while since you had some onions rings. Well get back involved homes, onion rings are great. Much better than boring old chips.

RIHANNA

Rated R and Good Girl Gone Bad are probably the two greatest albums ever recorded. That’s right, the two greatest records ever. Stupid In Love is heartbreaking, Rehab – I live my life by that song, the production on Cold Case Love ZUT ALORS!

And people say she dresses like a dick head. Well she does not. She’s my inspiration.

BOOKS

In this so called digital age we live in, with all like Ceefax and iphone 4’s, we sometimes forget about reading an actual. Book. Lying in bed, reading a BOOK, you feel like Stephen Hawkins. You feel like Carole Vordeman. You feel like one of those kids with a B Tec.

TEA IN A TEA POT

In these trying economic times, you don’t always have to drop big dollar to feel like a champion. A glamorous, sophisticated champion. Just make a POT of tea, rather than dropping a teabag in a mug. Drink that tea out of an actual tea cup. Like Elton John would.

GOING FOR A WALK

I hate nature. You wont find me in the sea, or like in one of those parks, but I do like going for a walk. IN THE CITY. WHERE I LIVE. You see amazing stuff. Like a really good looking tramp. Or a Japanese fashion student wearing full fencing gear and a small child’s hat.

HAVING A BATH

These days, when we’re all running round at 100 miles an hour (that’s 161 kilometres per hour you EU dictators), it’s showers all the way. But don’t forget about yo’ bath. Put bubbles in it. Burn a candle. Have a brew, god damn it have a glass of cava. Maybe put some Michael Buble on. That it a proper treat.

O V E R R A T E D T H I N G S

ROAST DINNERS.

OK people CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Judging by the thousands of often, almost violent, arguments on this subject you’ve probably read my diss on a roast dinner as an act of treason that should be punished by castration. Well my argument is this – in countries with a history of making actually pleasant food, ie not Britain, FLAVOUR is seen as pretty damn important. Cats be using herbs, they be using spices NOT JUST PUTTING A POTATO IN AN OVEN AND BOILING A CARROT. When you’ve got to add ladel full of horseradish / mint sauce / whatevs something’s not right.

And whilst I’m on the subject, I going to say it – fish and chips – OVERRATED.

IN FACT, prepare to handle the truth, chips are overrated. THAT’S RIGHT, CHIPS ARE OVERRATED.

THE BEATLES.

I just don’t like them. Four scousers, at least two of them are wife beaters, who sing about living in a yellow submarine.

COFFEE

Tea is just better. And that is a scientific fact.

THE WIRE.

The Wire is not the greatest TV show ever made. It’s obviously made by a middle class white boy who grew up listening to Hip Hop and is living out a fantasy about “slinging rock by the low rises”. But worse than that, it’s just totally boring. Nothing happens in it. And that second series, the one about boats. My god that’s shit. It’s like Howards End.

And the musical equivalent of The Wire…………….

THE WHITE STRIPES

Like everyone else I was pretty exited when I first heard the White Stipes. I bought into the whole “is it his sister or his wife? Is it his sister wife? IS THAT WIZARD FUCKING HIS SISTER BRIDE?” type thing. OOHH, they just wear read and white. Then I just thought. This is pretty boring. And Jack White’s released some right old shit. I THINK I SMELL A TWAT. DU DU DUH! DU DU DUH!

On a slight aside, a couple of years ago I was mistaken for Jack White and Jack Black within two days of each other.

FLIP FLOPS

Flips flops are not comfortable. They are UNcomfortable. And they make you look like a Jack Johnson fan. A jack Johnson fan who thinks they’re all chilled out and shit because they laugh in the face of shoes. May you all stub your toes on a drain.

MARTIN MARGELIA

Where I live, on the shallowest street in Britain, saying you don’t like Margelia is a bit like saying “sometimes I have sex with my dog.” . But I just don’t like it. It’s just so…..nothingy. In a moment of stupidity (drink related) I once bought a totally plain white Margelia T-shirt for £100. It’s literally a plain white T-shirt. It’s because of pricks like me that world’s in the sorry state it’s in.

THE CINEMA

People talk. People get texts. Gays be like checking their grinder. You can hear fools eating. You can’t stretch your legs out. They’re not even that dark anymore. Some wants to go to the toilet so you’ve got to get up TWICE. Just get a DVD. Seriously. It’s nearly as bad as the theatre. Nearly.

I've just realised I do actually quite like The White Stripes. Oh well.

K E L L Y B R O O K

Kelly Brook might be pretty rubbish at presenting/acting/modelling/choosing boyfriends, but she is AMAZING at looking totally utterly banging in obscure German industrial videos from the late 90’s. CHOKE ON THIS JASON STATHAM. OMG, I'm not making this up, it was Jason Statham Week on Sky movies last week. A WEEK of films featuring that shitbox. Hiddy.

E L N E T T

Dear Elnett, why do you have to make me feel like a dumb dumb? Why do you label all your hairsprays with stupid fucking names that make it impossible to tell which one is the strongest? Why do you do that? Is extra hold stronger than diamond hold? I just don’t know because I’m not a fucking gemologist (that’s a real word, thank you google). And don’t even get me started on supreme hold. I’ve currently got 3 cans on the go and I’ve got no idea which one is going to give the firm hold and shine which I desire. I’m just a man.

And yes I will be buying the limited edition Cheryl Cole edition, and yes I have watched the online promotional video that teaches you how to get an up do just like hers. And yes it was very informative.

S H A U N S B E A R D

Jamie had a magic torch. Des in Neighbours had magic mushrooms, but this hero, he’s got a magic beard. This beard gets him to the front at Snoop Doggy Dogg shows. This beard makes ladies want to touch him. This beard makes people from zone 6 want to photograph him. Like a celebrity. Fools be like getting a photo with the beard to use as their facebook profile pic. People be staring at this magic beard like it’s little baby Harvey. This beard is straight up sexual napalm.

If you snip off a bit of his beard hair and roll it up into a beard joint and smoke that shit, you’ll think you’re riding round on a unicorn with Mariah Carey being chased by flying puppies. Sprinkle a bit of that beard in a girls drink, and she’ll love you forever. Even if you’re a bit weird and have a questionable relationship with your cat.

There is one situation however, were the beard is not magical. That’s when you try to crowd surf at 4 in the afternoon. Crowd surfing cancels out the beards power and you WILL be dropped on the floor and you WILL loose your iphone.

M I N I S H O E S

Today, walking down Borehamwood High Street, I saw the saddest thing I ever done seen. In the window of my favourite shop, Cash Converters, they were selling a collection of mini shoes. Not like kids shoes, like mini shoes made just for collecting. Some poor chump had obviously put that collection together with love. Love of mini shoes. And then they’d had to pawn them at Cash Converters. It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen, Beaches level shit. I wonder if they walk by and look at them. £3.99 each those pairs of mini shoes.

I hate you capitalism .

And then next door to Cash Converters, in the Wool Shop, this!




A mini coffin for £9.99. Borehamwood High Street, most depressing street on earth.

Actually, that’s not true since Nando’s opened. And it does have a Linens Direct.