S O N G S A B O U T P H O N E S

BUGABOO.

Not just about phone calls, but telecommunications play a maje part in this drop. Not just telephones, but like pagers too! I WANNA PUT YOUR NUMBER ON THE CALL BLOCK!



AREA CODES

Ludacris is old school. He be calling bitches up on landlines. Like in that BT advert with that annoying prick out of my family. Me, I know ho’s on most of the major cellular networks. The slaggiest phone provider? Orange. No question.



IN THE V.I.P.

Though the narrative of this track, the story arch if you will, is about accessing the V.I.P. section of a shit nightclub in the Watford region, the real joy these fat 40 year old men have once in said V.I.P. is “flashing up their phones”.



DAILED

It’s no Put A Donk On It, but this track BANGS. One thing I’m not happy about is that the fat one doesn’t get a solo till 3 minutes. Lardy chops should have been second hitter, third at worse. Think because they 200 million hits on youtube having a fat ginger MC’s an embarrassment? DON’T LET THE MONEY AND THE FAME AND THE SUCCESS AND THE LADIES AND THE CARS AND THE YACHTS AND THE HOUSES IN THE HILLS DIVIDE YOU BROTHERS!



HANGING ON THE TELEPHONE

Yeah it’s a fucking obvious choice. Some entry level shit. But it’s a sick track and Debbie Harry is so hot that it actually makes me angry. Like kick Danny Stagg in the head angry. I could have gone for Call Me, mainly because the video features Debbie Harry in her prime, in a swimming costume jumping in the sea. However professionally and scientifically speaking the hottest she’s ever looked, and possibly the hottest any human being EVER has ever looked is in the video to Heart Of Glass. I would have been 3 years old when that was released, but I’m pretty sure if I’d seen it my tiny 3 year old balls would have tingled. And here’s a bonus pic because I’m nice like that.

U N D E R R A T E D T H I N G S

ONION RINGS

If you’re not a child or don’t star in Happy Days, it’s probably been a while since you had some onions rings. Well get back involved homes, onion rings are great. Much better than boring old chips.

RIHANNA

Rated R and Good Girl Gone Bad are probably the two greatest albums ever recorded. That’s right, the two greatest records ever. Stupid In Love is heartbreaking, Rehab – I live my life by that song, the production on Cold Case Love ZUT ALORS!

And people say she dresses like a dick head. Well she does not. She’s my inspiration.

BOOKS

In this so called digital age we live in, with all like Ceefax and iphone 4’s, we sometimes forget about reading an actual. Book. Lying in bed, reading a BOOK, you feel like Stephen Hawkins. You feel like Carole Vordeman. You feel like one of those kids with a B Tec.

TEA IN A TEA POT

In these trying economic times, you don’t always have to drop big dollar to feel like a champion. A glamorous, sophisticated champion. Just make a POT of tea, rather than dropping a teabag in a mug. Drink that tea out of an actual tea cup. Like Elton John would.

GOING FOR A WALK

I hate nature. You wont find me in the sea, or like in one of those parks, but I do like going for a walk. IN THE CITY. WHERE I LIVE. You see amazing stuff. Like a really good looking tramp. Or a Japanese fashion student wearing full fencing gear and a small child’s hat.

HAVING A BATH

These days, when we’re all running round at 100 miles an hour (that’s 161 kilometres per hour you EU dictators), it’s showers all the way. But don’t forget about yo’ bath. Put bubbles in it. Burn a candle. Have a brew, god damn it have a glass of cava. Maybe put some Michael Buble on. That it a proper treat.

O V E R R A T E D T H I N G S

ROAST DINNERS.

OK people CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Judging by the thousands of often, almost violent, arguments on this subject you’ve probably read my diss on a roast dinner as an act of treason that should be punished by castration. Well my argument is this – in countries with a history of making actually pleasant food, ie not Britain, FLAVOUR is seen as pretty damn important. Cats be using herbs, they be using spices NOT JUST PUTTING A POTATO IN AN OVEN AND BOILING A CARROT. When you’ve got to add ladel full of horseradish / mint sauce / whatevs something’s not right.

And whilst I’m on the subject, I going to say it – fish and chips – OVERRATED.

IN FACT, prepare to handle the truth, chips are overrated. THAT’S RIGHT, CHIPS ARE OVERRATED.

THE BEATLES.

I just don’t like them. Four scousers, at least two of them are wife beaters, who sing about living in a yellow submarine.

COFFEE

Tea is just better. And that is a scientific fact.

THE WIRE.

The Wire is not the greatest TV show ever made. It’s obviously made by a middle class white boy who grew up listening to Hip Hop and is living out a fantasy about “slinging rock by the low rises”. But worse than that, it’s just totally boring. Nothing happens in it. And that second series, the one about boats. My god that’s shit. It’s like Howards End.

And the musical equivalent of The Wire…………….

THE WHITE STRIPES

Like everyone else I was pretty exited when I first heard the White Stipes. I bought into the whole “is it his sister or his wife? Is it his sister wife? IS THAT WIZARD FUCKING HIS SISTER BRIDE?” type thing. OOHH, they just wear read and white. Then I just thought. This is pretty boring. And Jack White’s released some right old shit. I THINK I SMELL A TWAT. DU DU DUH! DU DU DUH!

On a slight aside, a couple of years ago I was mistaken for Jack White and Jack Black within two days of each other.

FLIP FLOPS

Flips flops are not comfortable. They are UNcomfortable. And they make you look like a Jack Johnson fan. A jack Johnson fan who thinks they’re all chilled out and shit because they laugh in the face of shoes. May you all stub your toes on a drain.

MARTIN MARGELIA

Where I live, on the shallowest street in Britain, saying you don’t like Margelia is a bit like saying “sometimes I have sex with my dog.” . But I just don’t like it. It’s just so…..nothingy. In a moment of stupidity (drink related) I once bought a totally plain white Margelia T-shirt for £100. It’s literally a plain white T-shirt. It’s because of pricks like me that world’s in the sorry state it’s in.

THE CINEMA

People talk. People get texts. Gays be like checking their grinder. You can hear fools eating. You can’t stretch your legs out. They’re not even that dark anymore. Some wants to go to the toilet so you’ve got to get up TWICE. Just get a DVD. Seriously. It’s nearly as bad as the theatre. Nearly.

I've just realised I do actually quite like The White Stripes. Oh well.

K E L L Y B R O O K

Kelly Brook might be pretty rubbish at presenting/acting/modelling/choosing boyfriends, but she is AMAZING at looking totally utterly banging in obscure German industrial videos from the late 90’s. CHOKE ON THIS JASON STATHAM. OMG, I'm not making this up, it was Jason Statham Week on Sky movies last week. A WEEK of films featuring that shitbox. Hiddy.

E L N E T T

Dear Elnett, why do you have to make me feel like a dumb dumb? Why do you label all your hairsprays with stupid fucking names that make it impossible to tell which one is the strongest? Why do you do that? Is extra hold stronger than diamond hold? I just don’t know because I’m not a fucking gemologist (that’s a real word, thank you google). And don’t even get me started on supreme hold. I’ve currently got 3 cans on the go and I’ve got no idea which one is going to give the firm hold and shine which I desire. I’m just a man.

And yes I will be buying the limited edition Cheryl Cole edition, and yes I have watched the online promotional video that teaches you how to get an up do just like hers. And yes it was very informative.

S H A U N S B E A R D

Jamie had a magic torch. Des in Neighbours had magic mushrooms, but this hero, he’s got a magic beard. This beard gets him to the front at Snoop Doggy Dogg shows. This beard makes ladies want to touch him. This beard makes people from zone 6 want to photograph him. Like a celebrity. Fools be like getting a photo with the beard to use as their facebook profile pic. People be staring at this magic beard like it’s little baby Harvey. This beard is straight up sexual napalm.

If you snip off a bit of his beard hair and roll it up into a beard joint and smoke that shit, you’ll think you’re riding round on a unicorn with Mariah Carey being chased by flying puppies. Sprinkle a bit of that beard in a girls drink, and she’ll love you forever. Even if you’re a bit weird and have a questionable relationship with your cat.

There is one situation however, were the beard is not magical. That’s when you try to crowd surf at 4 in the afternoon. Crowd surfing cancels out the beards power and you WILL be dropped on the floor and you WILL loose your iphone.

M I N I S H O E S

Today, walking down Borehamwood High Street, I saw the saddest thing I ever done seen. In the window of my favourite shop, Cash Converters, they were selling a collection of mini shoes. Not like kids shoes, like mini shoes made just for collecting. Some poor chump had obviously put that collection together with love. Love of mini shoes. And then they’d had to pawn them at Cash Converters. It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen, Beaches level shit. I wonder if they walk by and look at them. £3.99 each those pairs of mini shoes.

I hate you capitalism .

And then next door to Cash Converters, in the Wool Shop, this!




A mini coffin for £9.99. Borehamwood High Street, most depressing street on earth.

Actually, that’s not true since Nando’s opened. And it does have a Linens Direct.

S U P P L I E R

Spotted on a phone box on Hackney Road, just outside the corner shop, a poster of this champion. What a hero. Check out the late 90’s centre parting short ponytail combo. Looks like, who was that DJ back before ipods when people gave a shit about chumps who had record bags, like that Alex P. Check out his carbohydrate face. I would bet everything I own, that in his fridge that boy’s got one of those Rustler pre packed hamburgers that you microwave for 2 minutes. I bet he’s bought a can of Nourishment on more than 3 occasions.

I’m totally obsessed with hearing his record though. I bet that shit is MASSIVE.

C E L E B R I T Y H E R O E S

Special Branch – have you listened to this? That’s Gazza AKA the negotiator. That crazy hombre works by his own set of rules. He don’t need no bullet proof vest, he don’t need no firearms. He just needs some chicken, a dressing gown, a can of lager and two fishing rods, one for him and one for Moaty.

That radio interview is straight up the best thing that’s happened in my lifetime. And the only thing that’s ever made me want to move back to Newcastle – land of heroes like Paul Gasgizzle. If I ever found myself in a bush with a shotgun in my mouth, surrounded by armed 5-0, there’s only five words I’d want to hear, “Al-reet Moaty, it’s me, Gazza”.

As multi talented as Gazza is, there are however some criminal situations one might find oneself in where other celebrity heroes might be more suited.

For example, if I found myself hauled up on a driving offense, maybe I’d done 37 in a 30 zone, some proper bad boy business like that, they’re only be one who get me out of that hole, and that would be late night rambler and prolific driver.......George Michael. Boyfriend crashes his Land Rover into shit FOR FUN, and has still got a license to drive. FAST LOVE!

And if I built an extension on my 5th floor Hackney council flat with the right planning permission, and was feeling some SERIOUS heat from the housing department, whom I gonna call?...........Josef Fritzel. Bad boy laughed in the face of planning permission when he converted his cellar. DIY LOOPHOLE CHAMPION!

On my way to the rave up and get caught be sniffer dogs at the top of the escalator in Bethnal Green tube station? Speed dial numero uno.......Pete Docherty. Dream boat was IN COURT on some drugs offence, get’s caught with TWELVE BAGS OF SKAG in his man cape AND STILL DOESN’T GO TO THE BIG HOUSE. And he banged Kate Moss on more than one occasion. Bitch can't get himself arrested. What a hero.

DISCLAIMER – Moaty was a bad man, Fritzel is pure evil and drugs make you do dumb shit.

R O S É

You see that shit? That’s rosé. It tells you it’s your friend. But that shit is not your friend. It’s all like “hey drink me that’ll be like a really good idea”. But it’s not a good idea. This shit makes you not remember anything after 8:37pm. This shit makes you loose your Marni sunglasses. This shit makes you phone people you really don’t want to be phoning. This shit makes you have an argument with a barman at 3am when he refuses to sell you a bowl of lemons.

R O C K E T T O U R A N U S

If you’re looking for someone to make you a promo for your gay party track stroke DONK masterpiece, there’s only one man you go to. That’s Andy Soup. Andy’s dropped shit for Dannii Minogue, The Scissor Sisters, and the mighty Blackout Crew (he invented the Donk-o-matic 500 or whatever the shit that that DONK machine is called). Andy got married at the weekend, but before he did that he shot a masterpiece for Europe’s premier party band – The Vengaboys with their tragically titled banger ROCKET TO URANUS.

What I love about this video is that there is absolutely no irony in it. Yes, they are flying through space in a cock and balls shaped spaceship, BUT WHAT ELSE WOULD THE VENGABOYS FLY THROUGH SPACE IN? Yes, that is technically a cowboy outfit not a space suit he’s wearing, BUT WHAT ELSE WOULD THE VENGABOYS WEAR FOR SPACE TRAVEL? And who’s that powering towards Uranus in the fist shaped rocket? IT’S PETE BURNS OF COURSE, WHO ELSE WOULD IT BE?

This vid is total genius, and best of all IT’S AVAILABLE IN 3D! Like Avatar. Here’s the 2 double D version.

CONGRATZ ON THE WEDDING RUDE BOY!

R I H A N N A

If there was any justice in the world, Ruth Lorenzo would have won the X Factor, and I would be going out with Rihanna. I think we’d get on like a house on fire. And think of the money we could save bulk ordering Elnett. If I was going out with her, here’s the top 5 activities I’d like to do with her. In reverse order. For tension and that.

5.) GO TO BICESTER OUTLET VILLAGE

I love Bicester Village. It is hands down the worlds greatest village. Me and Riri would make a proper day of it. Get there before 10, probably do one lap together, have lunch in Carluccio’s, then go solo for some stealth purchasing. She would love that shit. SHUT UP AND DRIVE!

4.) LASER QUEST

I don’t even know if Laser Quest exists anymore, but I bet Riri would be well into it. RUSSIAN ROULETTE!

3.) THE PICTURES IN DALSTON

You know what, I think Riri would love Dalston. Not just for it’s sick cinema The Rio. The Rio’s one of those middle class cinemas that laugh’s in the face of pick and mix and sells carrot cake and shit like that. Seemingly for 50 weeks of the year The Rio is home to a Turkish Film festival, but we’d go on one of those rare days when they’re showing stuff in English. We’d probably grab some food first in Stone Cave, one of East London’s best cave themed restaurants. Or maybe Mangal. Think girlfriend would be all over Mangal. Not the Gilbert and George one though, the one on Arcola Street. We ain’t no tourists! GO HARD OR GO HOME!

2.) THE MYTHICAL CURRY TRAIN

The curry train is a Newcastle legend. Nobody know’s if it even exists. Apparently once a month a train leaves Newcastle Central Station. A STEAM train, operated entirely by turban wearing Indians, that takes you to a secret location where you eat a curry like you’ve never tasted before. If this curry train exists I want to get a board it with Rihanna. BREAKIN’ DISHES!

1.) KARAOKE

Doing Karaoke with Rihanna would be by 10 million percent the greatest thing that would happen in my lifetime. She would sing Te Amo straight at me, then we’d duet on Stupid In Love, then I would totz blow her socks off with Total Eclipse Of The Heart. PLEASE DON’T STOP THE MUSIC!

6 6 6 M U S I C

See that hot young thing? That’s Liz Kershaw, 85 year old cutting edge DJ on the BBC’s station for music fans Radio 6 Music. You’ve probably never even heard of 6 Music because, if you look at the figures, nobody listens to it. 6 music has been responsible for breaking LOADS of new bands though. Just this morning I heard this wicked new band called The Who, followed immediately by 4 young scousers called The Beatles. Then straight after that some band called Pulp. God, if it wasn’t for 6 Music there’s probably only a few hundred other stations available playing this cutting edge stuff.

6 months ago, the BBC said they might get rid of 6 music for being……..totally shit and not providing any public service whatsoever, but then loads of people who’d never actually listened to it got really angry for some reason that’s a bit beyond me. And because all these people where middle class the BBC have realised that employing washed up has beens, not wanted by anyone else, to play 40 year old shit recorded exclusively by white people IS a public service. So they're just getting rid of the Asian Network instead - no biggy.

Anyway, gotta run – Nemone’s on now remember her? Got fired from Radio 1 about 200 years ago for being totally utterly shit. And what’s she playing? Let me bust my Shazam out. It’s The Kinks! Amazing. As a music fan I just never get to hear bands like this ANYWHERE.

GO HARD OR GO HOME!

G R E G G S

I spend a lot of time emailing Greggs. About loads of things. On their website they say they'll reply to every email. But THEY'VE NEVER REPLIED TO ME EVER. If you can't trust your baker, who can you trust? It's sad times. Recently i emailed them asking why they don't sell products they only sell in North East in London. Amazing shit like flat cornish pasties - not available beyond Darlington, stottie's - best bread EVER, and bright orange peach melbas. I quite reasonably suggested that they could have one special London branch that specialised in this more international cuisine AND NOT EVEN AN AUTO REPLY. In the past I've also contacted them about products I've invented for them, things like a 3-in-1, which is like a long 3 course sausage roll type thing, containing a starter a main course and a dessert. Now i know what you're thinking - BUT EACH COURSE IS SEPARATED BY A SMALL PASTRY WALL.  I pointed out that a 3-in-1 would be perfect for sporting events, or for high flying executives on the run, i even suggested how much they charge - £1.89. NO RESPONSE. 

In other Greggs news, i recently met THE DAUGHTER OF THE PERSON WHO OWNS GREGGS! She claims she invented the Yum Yum. I not sure though. I think the Yum Yum was probably invented by a scientist. 

T H E F A S H I O N P E O P L E

See that champion there next to the Henry Holland from the fashion people. That's my mate Laura. You're probably thinking she's really pretty and has nice hair. Slightly small head and looks like she could be a bit annoying, but that's not important right now. What is important in the fact she's wearing THE SICKEST JACKET EVER.  It's Trussardi, it's suede and these beyond sick like beaded native American patterned shoulder pads. They're properly padded like Linda Evans style. AND I TOTZ WANT ONE. But with matching trousers. In suede with padded beaded knee pads. And a suede cape with with my name on the back in multi coloured beads. Or not my name, maybe like a cool word instead. Like BLAZE. or PERSECUTION. god that would be amazing. Like a millionaire Euro trash crime fighting pimp in in 1994.  

T W I X

I just found a Twix in the office. At first I was like BINGO, because finding shit IS AMAZING. Then i was, a bit Twix, hmm. Bit 1987. But my god how wrong was i - that Twix was big in the game. I had it proper traditional style, with a brew, totally lush. Recently I've been swept along in the Harribo wave. eating those sugary little jelly shits, fooling myself into thinking i was happy. But thinking about it, i wasn't happy, in my heart i was sad. So all you doubters out there, maybe you're on a Chuppa Chup tip, maybe your like "Twix - they've not even gone chunky. They've not even done a limited edition orange edition" - well open up your hearts. Don't punish Twix for keeping it real. Try one with a brew.

Drifters are also still totally lush.

D I E A N T W O O R D

The greatest thing that has happened in my life time. And the PERFECT song to listen to whilst eating mini kievs.

R I N G T O N E S

Last week, for the first time ever i bought a ring tone. Put a Donk On It by The Blackout Crew. It cost 99p. And i love it. I'm old. I've got a proper job. And i've got a Blackout Crew ringtone. What's wrong with me? Aren't i supposed to be like going to garden centres and generally tedious conversations about mortgages? Buying a nice shirt from Reiss? Well I'm not. I'm wearing stupid clothes and I've got a Blackout Crew ringtone. ON FULL VOLUME. Sometime i just don't answer my phone, even if it's a really important call, just to hear it play out. DONK. 

B O O Z E

Is this the greatest drink ever? I can do a bottle in a single sitting, easy. It's like boozy custard. I bought these weird like wooden fork / cocktail stick things in Ikea that you can get like 5 cocktail cherries on, fill a glass with ice, hit it up with like 5 shots of the black and white good shit, stir with wooden cherry fork. That is glamour man. I bet thats what they do in like wine bars in Chelsea. It's straight up 007. Straight gangster. Sat in the living room, medium priced scented candle burning (we're talking like Penhaligans, not Jo Malone), blazing up some Rihanna, you feel like a god. Like Alan Sugar. Very high in calories though.

C O N D E N S E D M I L K

Condensed milk is the shit. Love that shit. It's due a revival. An absolute SS 10 essential. Anyone who is anyone will be wearing vintage skatewear, listening to Horse Meat Disco, and fat as fuck from chug-a-luggin' on a bucket load of condizzle mizzle. A little while ago i bought one of those espresso makers. the proper ones that you put on the hob, like people in Islington have. People who do recycling and have kids called Poppy who ride on wooden bikes. And I'll tell you what, pimping up an espresso with big fat layer of condensed milk is a right treat.

Just the other day i was telling someone about how when i was a kid i used to have condensed milk on toast and looked at me like i was a piece of shit urchin peasant. Made me feel sad. Mean people like that should not be allowed condensed milk.

M A N B A B I E S

At the minute I'm blessed to be working with like lovely people. All heroes, all hot, but one hero is missing. He's a man baby called Chris. Chris doesn't work with us anymore and we miss that man baby like you wouldn't believe. I miss the way he would make himself a salad for lunch and lay it out properly like he was in a Harvester. I miss the special trousers he used to wear to go to festivals. I miss him getting angry when we tried to make the child half of a Stavros Flatley tribute act with Brian Belo. In fact i miss him so much that i went on to his facebook and took photos of my favourite photos of him incase facebook ever broke and i would be unable to stare at him. Or he just barred me for being really weird. Sometimes i would text these photos that i took of him, to him in the middle of the night. Some people might think that's weird. BUT I LOVE THAT MAN BABY THAT MUCH. here's my favourite ever picture of him.





Fuck me i miss him so much.

It's like that shit film I Love You Man(Baby)

C A S H C O N V E R T E R S

I love Cash Converters. I can stare in the windows for hours. At the like piles of DJ kit, and Mega Drives, and like Vin Diesel film on VHS. I often try and picture the people that have to come in and sell that shit. Then get depressed.

At the minute I'm lucky enough to be working in this lovely lovely place called Borehamwood, lovely place, that has a WICKED Cash Converters. This morning, even though I was late for work, I was standing on the High Street checking out the Cash Converters window display when i saw this beauty

Now can you imagine the hero that's going to buy that? What a champion. Image the beats they'll make on that bad boy. Probably someone with a name like DJ Hyper Hype from some shit like the Borehamwood Hardcore Posse. Wherever this Yamaha Keyboard ends up, and whatever gets made on it I NEED IN MY LIFE. I want to hide a camera in that beast and just record everything it sees. Everything that goes down in the bedroom of that semi detached Borehamwood council house. That could be the greatest TV shit ever made. Like some Jersey Shore shit. Makes me want to kill myself that I live in a world where that will never happen. Not even on Channel 5.

S T A R B U C K S

Dear Starbucks, why do you insist on trying to make me say things in Italian, like some kind of prick?

This morning I went into Starbucks, ordered a Caramel Twatiato or whatever the shit, woman behind the counter's like "what size? I'm like "the biggest you've got", she's like, "venti?" I'm like "the biggest you've got." Bitch is like "venti?", I'm like "like a large, the biggest you do." She's like "VENTI?". I'm like "LARGE." Bitch is like "VENTI", prodding a cup at me. I'm like "LARGE". She goes to make my coffee shouts over at the other goon "VENTI caramel whatever". FUCKING BITCH. I WILL NOT BE MADE TO SAY VENTI. And what's with the Italian shiz anyway? They're an American company selling a South American product. WE WILL NOT BE MADE TO SAY VENTI. OR GRANDE OR WHATEVZ.

Bunch of shits. The Marmite and cheese toasties are good though.