O V E R R A T E D T H I N G S

ROAST DINNERS.

OK people CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Judging by the thousands of often, almost violent, arguments on this subject you’ve probably read my diss on a roast dinner as an act of treason that should be punished by castration. Well my argument is this – in countries with a history of making actually pleasant food, ie not Britain, FLAVOUR is seen as pretty damn important. Cats be using herbs, they be using spices NOT JUST PUTTING A POTATO IN AN OVEN AND BOILING A CARROT. When you’ve got to add ladel full of horseradish / mint sauce / whatevs something’s not right.

And whilst I’m on the subject, I going to say it – fish and chips – OVERRATED.

IN FACT, prepare to handle the truth, chips are overrated. THAT’S RIGHT, CHIPS ARE OVERRATED.

THE BEATLES.

I just don’t like them. Four scousers, at least two of them are wife beaters, who sing about living in a yellow submarine.

COFFEE

Tea is just better. And that is a scientific fact.

THE WIRE.

The Wire is not the greatest TV show ever made. It’s obviously made by a middle class white boy who grew up listening to Hip Hop and is living out a fantasy about “slinging rock by the low rises”. But worse than that, it’s just totally boring. Nothing happens in it. And that second series, the one about boats. My god that’s shit. It’s like Howards End.

And the musical equivalent of The Wire…………….

THE WHITE STRIPES

Like everyone else I was pretty exited when I first heard the White Stipes. I bought into the whole “is it his sister or his wife? Is it his sister wife? IS THAT WIZARD FUCKING HIS SISTER BRIDE?” type thing. OOHH, they just wear read and white. Then I just thought. This is pretty boring. And Jack White’s released some right old shit. I THINK I SMELL A TWAT. DU DU DUH! DU DU DUH!

On a slight aside, a couple of years ago I was mistaken for Jack White and Jack Black within two days of each other.

FLIP FLOPS

Flips flops are not comfortable. They are UNcomfortable. And they make you look like a Jack Johnson fan. A jack Johnson fan who thinks they’re all chilled out and shit because they laugh in the face of shoes. May you all stub your toes on a drain.

MARTIN MARGELIA

Where I live, on the shallowest street in Britain, saying you don’t like Margelia is a bit like saying “sometimes I have sex with my dog.” . But I just don’t like it. It’s just so…..nothingy. In a moment of stupidity (drink related) I once bought a totally plain white Margelia T-shirt for £100. It’s literally a plain white T-shirt. It’s because of pricks like me that world’s in the sorry state it’s in.

THE CINEMA

People talk. People get texts. Gays be like checking their grinder. You can hear fools eating. You can’t stretch your legs out. They’re not even that dark anymore. Some wants to go to the toilet so you’ve got to get up TWICE. Just get a DVD. Seriously. It’s nearly as bad as the theatre. Nearly.

I've just realised I do actually quite like The White Stripes. Oh well.