C E L E B R I T Y H E R O E S

Special Branch – have you listened to this? That’s Gazza AKA the negotiator. That crazy hombre works by his own set of rules. He don’t need no bullet proof vest, he don’t need no firearms. He just needs some chicken, a dressing gown, a can of lager and two fishing rods, one for him and one for Moaty.

That radio interview is straight up the best thing that’s happened in my lifetime. And the only thing that’s ever made me want to move back to Newcastle – land of heroes like Paul Gasgizzle. If I ever found myself in a bush with a shotgun in my mouth, surrounded by armed 5-0, there’s only five words I’d want to hear, “Al-reet Moaty, it’s me, Gazza”.

As multi talented as Gazza is, there are however some criminal situations one might find oneself in where other celebrity heroes might be more suited.

For example, if I found myself hauled up on a driving offense, maybe I’d done 37 in a 30 zone, some proper bad boy business like that, they’re only be one who get me out of that hole, and that would be late night rambler and prolific driver.......George Michael. Boyfriend crashes his Land Rover into shit FOR FUN, and has still got a license to drive. FAST LOVE!

And if I built an extension on my 5th floor Hackney council flat with the right planning permission, and was feeling some SERIOUS heat from the housing department, whom I gonna call?...........Josef Fritzel. Bad boy laughed in the face of planning permission when he converted his cellar. DIY LOOPHOLE CHAMPION!

On my way to the rave up and get caught be sniffer dogs at the top of the escalator in Bethnal Green tube station? Speed dial numero uno.......Pete Docherty. Dream boat was IN COURT on some drugs offence, get’s caught with TWELVE BAGS OF SKAG in his man cape AND STILL DOESN’T GO TO THE BIG HOUSE. And he banged Kate Moss on more than one occasion. Bitch can't get himself arrested. What a hero.

DISCLAIMER – Moaty was a bad man, Fritzel is pure evil and drugs make you do dumb shit.