R I H A N N A

If there was any justice in the world, Ruth Lorenzo would have won the X Factor, and I would be going out with Rihanna. I think we’d get on like a house on fire. And think of the money we could save bulk ordering Elnett. If I was going out with her, here’s the top 5 activities I’d like to do with her. In reverse order. For tension and that.

5.) GO TO BICESTER OUTLET VILLAGE

I love Bicester Village. It is hands down the worlds greatest village. Me and Riri would make a proper day of it. Get there before 10, probably do one lap together, have lunch in Carluccio’s, then go solo for some stealth purchasing. She would love that shit. SHUT UP AND DRIVE!

4.) LASER QUEST

I don’t even know if Laser Quest exists anymore, but I bet Riri would be well into it. RUSSIAN ROULETTE!

3.) THE PICTURES IN DALSTON

You know what, I think Riri would love Dalston. Not just for it’s sick cinema The Rio. The Rio’s one of those middle class cinemas that laugh’s in the face of pick and mix and sells carrot cake and shit like that. Seemingly for 50 weeks of the year The Rio is home to a Turkish Film festival, but we’d go on one of those rare days when they’re showing stuff in English. We’d probably grab some food first in Stone Cave, one of East London’s best cave themed restaurants. Or maybe Mangal. Think girlfriend would be all over Mangal. Not the Gilbert and George one though, the one on Arcola Street. We ain’t no tourists! GO HARD OR GO HOME!

2.) THE MYTHICAL CURRY TRAIN

The curry train is a Newcastle legend. Nobody know’s if it even exists. Apparently once a month a train leaves Newcastle Central Station. A STEAM train, operated entirely by turban wearing Indians, that takes you to a secret location where you eat a curry like you’ve never tasted before. If this curry train exists I want to get a board it with Rihanna. BREAKIN’ DISHES!

1.) KARAOKE

Doing Karaoke with Rihanna would be by 10 million percent the greatest thing that would happen in my lifetime. She would sing Te Amo straight at me, then we’d duet on Stupid In Love, then I would totz blow her socks off with Total Eclipse Of The Heart. PLEASE DON’T STOP THE MUSIC!